I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
