Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
