just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
