Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
