9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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