My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
