Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
