The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
