It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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