So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
They are going to name an STD after you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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