i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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