new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
