Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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