he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
