Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
