At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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