saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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