I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
