Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
