You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
