You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
