your thong is hanging out like whoa
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
