I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
