Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
