Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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