Three words: puerto rican gang bang
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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