Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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