I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
