I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
