Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
