R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
