could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
