The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
