I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
