I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
