I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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