I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
