Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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