turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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