I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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