Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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