This is not my ceiling
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
