he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
