Apparently you make a good broom.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
NoShamevember. You game?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
