we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
