I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All the doctor said was why
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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