i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
