I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
