dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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