Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
